That Character's an Ass! It MUST Be Based On Me...

I have yet to see the film "Running With Scissors," if only because I figured I could wait to see "The Royal Tenenbaums II" when I had a lazy day off. I have a lot of those now, but, as it seems, no time to watch this admittedly cute-seeming apparent mix of Harold and Maude and a Wes Anderson film. So, Harold and Maude meets Harold and Maude...

So the gent who wrote the original book from whence the recent film came was recently sued by his family. The book is called a memoir, though the names in the book are changed from the real people. They sued for defamation, invasion of privacy and emotional distress. Remember the days when emotional distress was there for you to grow as a person? I know I don't, I just assumed they must have existed at some point.

It's just curious that would you would outright admit that any caricature is based on you. Unless you paid this gentleman at a county fair to write a novel based on your worst traits and then sell it at Barnes & Noble, it would be fairly insane to do that. But his family has done it and managed to sue for a few loose concepts. Luckily, the settlement simply calls for the word "memoir" to be omitted from part of the book's intro, the word "book" there instead. And we all know how much the real-life introduction informs our take of an entire, lengthy work of fiction. Well done, family.

My favorite part of the CNN article I gleaned this all from is a quote from the family which tickles my semantic funny bone: "We have always maintained that the book is fictionalized and defamatory..." Isn't fictionalized what makes it not defamatory? Could be wrong. But I'm not.

Original CNN Article

Gay or Not, This Dude LOVES the Cock

Senator Craig here was recently caught almost-sort-of propositioning and undercover cop for some oral pleasure in an airport bathroom. But, says Craig, who works with a lot of groups with anti-gay leanings, he isn't gay. One thing he hasn't denied, though, is loving the pole.
Wouldn't it be refreshing for guys like this to at least admit they have some sort of leaning towards the wang? At least say "Despite evidence to the contrary, I am not gay. I'm TOTALLY bi-curious, though, and I may try something with Billy at the party this weekend. I don't know. I'm thinking about it."

He's even gone so far as to say his admitting guilt to "disorderly conduct" was the only mistake he's made. Smart PR move, of course, turning one big mistake into a seemingly smaller one with bigger consequences. He's being so secretive about it - then again, he was trying to get some in a public restroom - that it's coming across as totally evil, like he's the Senator who was propositioning his pages a year or so back. It's not dirty, Senator. Not unless you're getting it in a notoriously unsanitary place.

Here's what you do: Ask the wife to give you a little time. You go to a club, you dance a little, you become a Log Cabin Republican. Imagine a 62-year-old formerly anti-gay Senator all up in the Rainbow Connection, completely comfortable with himself, not having to hide that insatiable oral fixation. Maybe his wife would be into it, who knows? Just cause he likes the cock doesn't mean he can't swing a little, right? Like I say, as long as she's into it.

It's sad and hilarious that these guys are still dumb enough to try something dirty. You don't find women senators trying to go down on women cops in bathrooms. And seriously, it's a lot easier to say "I fell" in that situation than it would have been in Craig's. It's just evidence of the inherent problems of having a penis. There must be some inner desire to be more "outgoing" with our sexuality and this "need" to suppress it to protect ourselves. Invariably, though, we bring ourselves down. Sure, he didn't mean to get caught. But he knew he could.

Dirty, dirty Senator. Here's my proposal. Instead of a bunch of hate mail, or a barrage of jokes aimed at bringing him down further, what if we all send him a bunch of cards that reflect how pleased we are to have a bi-curious (at least) Senator. Don't include money, but feel free to include a picture of your family holding up "Gay Senators Do It with Each Other" signs. And when he's collected them all and decoupaged them - We know our magic has worked.

Gonzales Resigns?

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' resignation is expected to be made official in a statement by President Bush at 11:50 AM EST this morning. (Read more: CNN)

According to the CNN article, no one in Gonzales' camp had ANY IDEA this was going to happen. Which begs the question - What did this guy actually do that he's being blackmailed into quitting his job NOW? After all the illegal firings and his inability to recall, well, anything, what could possibly be his reason for leaving? The only thing that could have happened is that he must have seriously and violently raped a panda. He did everything he could to hold on to the job, but after Karl Rove's resigning to "be with his family" (see "baby seal rape"), it's obvious Gonzales' playboy lifestyle has caught up with him.

But what will possibly come of this huge shakeup in Washington? Surely, after all of the wiretapping and misplaced habeus corpus, President Bush will be installing a competent, established lawmaker to turn the system around, in the person of... Michael Chertoff?...

...Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff who defended the government's response to Katrina by saying they couldn't have been prepared... for a disaster? Why do I have a slight feeling we'll be hearing Chertoff say "We couldn't have possibly prepared for Mr. Gonzales' retiring, but we'll be funneling aid to the Attorney General's office immediately to stave off any problems."?

The Gay Marriage Solution

If we’re really serious about eliminating gay marriage, I think we need to take it a step further. We need to make sure that no other groups try the same thing in their stead. We need to eliminate interracial marriage. We all know that marriage is between a man and woman of the same color. God didn’t intend it any other way. We’re all God’s children, but he wants to make sure he can tell us apart.

We should also make it clear that the children God wants to marry in general are the ones he wants to breed. Eliminating the breeding of the other races allows for a pure gene pool.

Additionally, as we all know, God prefers men, otherwise they wouldn’t be in power. Eliminating women from being married prevents lesbians from marrying should they decide they aren’t “gay” per se, but, rather "lesbians." This leaves those purest white of men to marry at their hearts content.

Problem solved. Mr. Nobel, ball is in your court.